People don’t think about you as much as you worry about what they think
by Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
When I stumbled because of a crack in the sidewalk, I thought
everyone nearby not only watched me stumble but also had clear
evidence that I was incredibly clumsy. I was in the grocery store,
and in pulling out an item from above my head, several items next to
the product I wanted fell to the floor. I was embarrassed, and I
thought every customer in the aisle could see what a dunce I was.
When in class one day my mind was elsewhere as the instructor
explained a simple assignment. When the explanation was complete I
raised my hand and asked a question, the answer to which would have
been crystal clear had I only been listening. When the instructor
paused, smiled, and focused her attention directly on me, I knew I
had been had. I was humiliated. These are not unique examples; all
of us care what others feel or think about us.
These three examples occurred early in my college career. They
represent but the tip of the iceberg when it comes to the fears we
harbor: fear of being rejected or not being accepted, fear of others
thinking we’re not intelligent or that we’re foolish, fear of others
thinking we’re not equal to them or somewhat inferior, fear of not
being respected, fear that others think there is something wrong
with us, fear that others think we’re a failure, or fear that if we
make a mistake or say something foolish, others will think less of
us. So many fears!
For me, the three opening examples were proof that things were not
as they should be. This essay is about how I changed. Although we
have little control over what other people think of us, and it’s a
waste of time to worry about it, there are things that each of us
can do to either minimize or eliminate the effects.
Why is it important to change the effects that worry can have on us?
Because if our goal becomes creating an image that everyone will
like, in the end we end up with an unoriginal, paranoid, dependent
personality that is not reflective of who we really are. Also, we
end up spending an enormous amount of time worrying and getting
upset trying to figure out why nobody likes the empty clone of
ourselves that we’ve created. Also, worry takes energy, and energy
exerted there, draws it from somewhere else.
For me, there is a clear starting point when everything changed.
Yes, I had heard about the reputation the University of Michigan had
around the world, and I was impressed. Yes, I realized that I had
the talent and the ability to do well (I had done well in high
school), and what I needed most at this point was to apply myself.
The most important— key—item that created the change was the
realization that I was in control of my life, and if things were to
change, it was up to me and me alone to kick start my life.
When things are going poorly, when life is a struggle, or when it
appears that opportunities are given to others and you are excluded,
the tendency is to blame others. And some people never grow out of
or beyond this tendency. For example, I’ve heard it said, “Do you
realize that ever since we’ve been married, I have spent all of my
time cleaning up the messes that you have created?” And, this from a
person who has not only been unsuccessful but who has been a failure
in almost every endeavor he has pursued since he has been married.
When you put yourself in charge of your life a number of other
things happen. First, you begin to believe in yourself. Second, you
stop trying to live your life according to someone else’s desires
and expectations. Third, you realize that what you think of yourself
is more important than what others think of you. Life is too short
to live by someone else’s rules and standards. Fourth, you begin to
formulate a specific plan of action that will help you move
productively and positively from where you are to where you want to
be. For me, I realized that doing well in my classes and graduating
from the University of Michigan was a significant and relevant goal
that I had to accomplish, and nobody was going to stand in the way
of attaining that goal.
To stop thinking about what others think of you requires motivation.
There must be some incentive, stimulus, or drive, but to depend on
an outside source to provide the inspiration is to depend on an
unknown quantity. Not only is it unknown, one cannot even depend on
some outside source appearing. When you take charge of your life,
you fire yourself with enthusiasm. It excites your spirit and
propels you forward.
Besides putting myself in control of my life, there was a second
thing that made a difference. All my life I had been a
perfectionist, and because of this desire for perfection, I put
enormous pressure on myself—in the form of criticism. Being critical
of myself had an unfortunate byproduct: becoming critical of others.
It was this view of others that generated the feeling that everyone
was looking at me. I felt they were looking for flaws—chinks in the
armor—or ways to dissect me. What I didn’t understand was that just
because I did it didn’t mean that others did it too.
I found that I could reduce worry and anxiety by being less
judgmental of others and myself. I came to learn not to be concerned
about what others thought of me, and much of that learning came from
knowing that, in general, people are consumed with their own lives;
they are egocentric. Thus, not only do they spend very little time
thinking about others, they have little time or interest in doing
it.
There was a third and final factor, too, that changed me. It was a
complete transformation of focus. I mentioned it briefly above when
I talked about establishing a clear goal. I immersed myself in my
courses. I found something I believed in that could absorb my entire
attention and energy, and I became a full-time, highly absorbed,
exceptional student. I limited distractions and outside
interferences—including family, friends, and relationships. I found
solitary places to study, and I devoted myself 100% to the task at
hand.
So, you believe people think about you, and you worry about what
they think? It always helps to know that most people do not think
about us much at all, and even if they do, often they don’t draw the
conclusions we think they do. So, why worry about it? Instead, put
yourself in charge, stop being so critical of yourself, and find
something specific to which you can devote yourself. What we all
need to realize is the importance of living our lives as ourselves.
It is that attribute, in itself, that is more attractive than any
image we could ever project.
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People don’t want to know how to live a responsible, accountable, mature life—and they don’t careby Richard L. Weaver II, PhD
In my more than thirty years of college teaching, one underlying philosophy
has guided both my teaching and writing. That philosophy is that people want
to improve their lives—communicate better, of course, but do better, act
with higher quality, strive harder, and live a more valuable, desirable, and
suitable life. It was this philosophy that made me want to enter the
classroom, accept the opportunity to write a textbook, choose to lecture,
advise and counsel students, and go above and beyond what was expected of me
as a professional.
There were times that I became skeptical that the philosophy was wrong. For
example, I met people who were only willing to give half-an-effort to a
project, I would serve on a committee only to find that I was the only one
willing to work, or I encountered students taking courses for a “pass”
instead of a grade so they only had to exert a minimal amount of time and
effort. When I was a student I (tongue-in-cheek) celebrated those around me
who chose not to give their “all” with a flippant remark: “Well, that’s one
more person with whom I don’t have to compete.” Because their philosophy
wasn’t my own (and there were always more of them than people like myself),
I always assumed that I was the exception, not them.
As a teacher, I made a vow with myself that I would not let those students
who did not want to commit themselves to my courses drag me or my standards
down. I chose, instead, to direct my attention and focus to those who wanted
to excel. If you want to be outstanding, then I am here to help you; if you
want to be mediocre or “just average,” then you will need to find a way to
help yourself.
This approach to education—attend to and focus on those who want to
excel—faced a great deal of student complaint and criticism when I directed
a basic, required, speech-communication class. Why? Because many students
believed that a basic, required, speech-communication course should—by both
its definition and nature—be a “blow off,” “Mickey Mouse,” easy grade. In
the course, they found a director (me!) who had high standards supported by
a number of exercises, activities, and assignments that not just required
work, but were evaluated by well-designed, stringent, detailed, and
explicitly explained criteria. Students, in all cases, knew exactly the
criteria they would be evaluated on before undertaking any activity.
Now, underlying or buttressing my approach to the basic speech-communication
course was a belief that effective communication would help students improve
their lives. If they took the course seriously, there was a good chance that
they would find benefits in all their thoughts and actions—as well as in
their other classes, in their daily interactions with others, in their
relationships, in any job they pursued, and, obviously, in their
communication-related activities (i.e., small-group discussions and public
speaking).
Despite the way I conducted my courses, and despite the basic philosophies I
believed in that guided my behavior, I may have over estimated my audience.
How did I arrive at this conclusion? I discovered it when reading a book,
The Healthy Guide to Unhealthy Living: How to Survive Your Bad Habits (Simon
& Schuster, 2006), by Dr. David J. Clayton. Clayton is a medical doctor who
is a graduate of the University of Medicine and Dentistry of New Jersey. He
has an undergraduate degree in chemical biology with honors from Stevens
Institute of Technology. He trained in internal medicine at Boston
University and the Scripps Clinic and Research Institute in La Jolla,
California.
Clayton begins the introduction to his book with this comment: “Despite all
the self-help books out there on living a healthy life, many of my patients
don’t want to know how to live a healthy life—they want to know how to live
their unhealthy lives better.” In the very next paragraph he writes, “They
don’t want to stop drinking, smoking, doing drugs, or having casual sex with
the other sleep-deprived professionals they meet at parties. They want to
know how to do these things without killing themselves or permanently
damaging their health. They want to know how to lose weight fast for a
wedding, or whether a drug test will show last week’s joint. They want to
know how to stay awake at the office when they haven’t slept well the night
before (p. 1).”
Using an analogy to Clayton’s conclusion, it may be that students don’t want
to be more effective communicators. Maybe they don’t even want to be better
educated. Maybe they simply want a college degree, and they are willing to
do what is necessary to acquire the degree. “Put up the requirement—the
hurdle—and we’ll find a way to deal with it,” some students may be saying.
It is similar to those who take courses “pass/fail” so they can complete
them with minimum time and effort. Perhaps college itself has become like
those courses taken for a “pass/fail”—what is the fastest, easiest, and most
task efficient way I can get a degree and get on with my life?
I think Clayton has defined a problem that explains a number of different
problems. For example, cheating and dishonesty may occur because all those
who cheat and reveal dishonesty see is the final outcome, and the end
justifies the means. It may explain obesity and other hedonistic pleasures:
“You do what feels good, and you deal with extraordinary circumstances as
they occur.” It may explain, too, ignorance. Being informed takes time and
effort—pursuing ideas in any kind of organized, systematic, rigorous fashion
is an excessive and inordinate demand. “I’d rather be ignorant,” people say,
“because knowing means responsibility.”
Clayton could just as easily have started his book saying, “People don’t
want to know how to live a responsible, accountable, mature life.” Most
people believe as they do because their parents believed that way, and it
requires no thinking on their own to change or deviate. Most people don’t
think beyond the obvious because it requires energy, and they have never
been trained to really think. Most people watch the no-brainer, lackluster,
uninspired, dull, and unimaginative entertainment provided on television or
the big screen because of their own slovenly inertia. They become immersed
in video games, text messaging, chat rooms, e-mail messaging, Internet
surfing and other mindless pursuits to fill their boring, nothing lives.
People don’t want to know how to live a responsible, accountable, mature
life—and they don’t care.
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